The Toughest Mother's Day
by Layna Remi
Summary: The first mother's day without Mary was going to be the hardest, will they make it through?


I know this story is going to be a sad one so be prepared. This story is here because recently my friend lost her mother and this is the first mother's day without her. I would not know what to do without my mother she is the inspiration and reason I am who I am today; she is my best friend in the whole world. I thought of the Reagan Family because they lost Mary and I wanted to write this story, I hope this doesn't rain on anyone's day but I just felt like writing it. Please review I would love to know what you think.

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Erin dreaded today, that was an understatement because everything in her told her just to stay in bed and wait for tomorrow to come but that was not going to fix the pain and in a minute or two she knew Jack and Nicki would come bursting through the doors with breakfast and gifts. She had spoken to Jack the night before last, she knew that obviously, Nicki would want to celebrate today but for Erin it was going the hardest day of the year. The pain was still fresh, of course how could you get over the grief in under a year.

"Mama," Erin sat up and let eight-year-old Nicki tackle her in a tight embrace, it was what she was going to need the day to get through it. She sadly smiled at Jack over Nicki's shoulder, he gave her a sympathetic smile back as he watched tears surface in her eyes.

"Daddy and I made breakfast for you and I made you this," Nicki jumped up from the bed and grabbed the card off the carrier tray and bounce back on the bed handing over the card with a giant smile.

"Oh wow, I love it," She kissed the top of her daughters head as they cuddled together so Erin could read it with her. It had the message "Happy Mother's Day" with a picture that Nicki drew of her and Erin and it was signed with an, "I love you". Erin could not hold back the tears for too long and soon she began to lightly sob, Nicki turned around and looked at her confused.

"What's wrong Mom?"

"Nothing Sweetheart, I just love it a lot." Jack set the breakfast of Pancakes and bacon on the side table and scooped Nicki up off the bed and setting her on the floor.

"Nicki Honey, can you go get ready for today, we have to be church in a little while."

"Okay Daddy, I'll be back," She was just about to leave the room but she turned around and added, "Happy Mother's Day Mama, I love you."

"I love you too bug," She said giving her a watery eyed smile. As soon as Nicki was in her room Erin broke down in huge sobs. Jack sat on the edge of the bed and wrapped his arms around her, rubbing small circles on her back.

"Hey now, shhh its okay."

"I'm just going to miss her extra today,"

"I know today is not going to be easy on you today, are you sure you want to go to church this morning?"

"The whole family is going and I think I'll need them as much as they will need me." She pulled away from him; he brought his hand up and wiped away the tears.

"Well you know I'm here for you too, I miss her too." He kissed her on the cheek and brushed his fingers through her hair. "I'm going to go help Nick ready, she is probably playing right now," that got a slight laugh out of Erin as she nodded in agreement. "Hey, we are going to make it through today."

"Thanks Jack, I love you."

"Love you too."

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"So mommy is sad because she misses grandma?" Nicki asked her father as they finished off the remaining pancakes. Erin was in the other room getting ready so Jack was sure she was out of earshot.

"That's right bug, so we are going to help her get through the day."

"Okay, how do we do that?"

"Just give her lots of hugs and kisses today and she will know she has us to get her through the day, think you can do that?"

"Yep, I give the best hugs!"

"That you do," Erin said as she walked to the kitchen, she had composed herself and put on a small smile. Nick ran over and wrapped her arms around her mother's waist.

"Are you ready," Jack asked still unsure of how well it was going to go.

"Yes, all set," She scooped up her daughter who was too big to hold but there was no denying that Erin wanted her to stay young forever.

"Okay, let me go get my keys and I'll meet you in the car."

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"I wanna mix it," Jack said looking up at his dad with his bright blue eyes.

"Okay buddy but careful." Danny looked handed the whisk over to his son and let him stir for a little bit.

"Okay kiddo, go finish coloring." He picked Jack off the chair and set him on the floor. In his mind today was tough and though he barely showed it Danny was upset, it was the first mother's day without his mom. It was the toughest thing losing her back in September but today was only a reminder that she was not there, that he wouldn't spend another day with her. He sighed looked down at the scrambled eggs in the pan, today was about Linda, she was a mom and he knew that she deserved a great day, especially because soon they would be welcoming another son into their lives.

"I finished Daddy," Jack waved the sheet of paper in front of his father. A child's drawing of a mother and son, one that Danny knew Linda would love because it came from Jack and like any good mother, she would treat every drawing like a masterpiece. "Can we go now?"

"Yes," Danny said putting the plate of eggs and bacon on the tray along with Orange juice and a flower in a vase. Jack put a his card on top of his fathers and looked up with a wide grin at his father. Danny followed his son to his bedroom knocking slightly and opening the door. Jack immediately pounced on the bed jumping on the edge waking up Linda.

"Happy mother's Day," He giggled. Linda sat up, scooped the four-year-old up in her arms, and kissed him all over his face. Danny walked over and kissed his wife, giving her a smile as he took Jack into his arms and let Linda open her cards.

"Did you make this all by yourself?" Asked in a surprised voice, the little boy nodded with a wide grin. "It's beautiful," She pressed it to her heart and gave jack another kiss before grabbing Danny's cards, She read it and smiled, a heartfelt message that he had put in there. "Thank you."

"Come on Jack lets give mommy some time to eat, how 'bout you and I go and make some breakfast."

"Okay," Jack jumped off the bed and bolted out the door.

"Hey," Linda stopped Danny just as he was about to walk out. "Are you doing okay?" A look of Melancholy crossed Danny's face, he knew Linda missed her too but he also knew that she was going to keep strong for him.

"I'm okay," He smiled and walked back to the bed and kissed her. "No if you excuse me I have to make sure our four year old isn't trashing the kitchen."

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Frank sipped coffee while reading the morning paper, a large article on the NYPDs arrest of a notorious gang was on page 8 and he wanted to know how the media would twist this take down. It took him a minute to get passed the first page though because of the even bigger article for Mother's day. He knew that his kids where going to have a tough time today but also for him. Mary was the light of his life and the mother to his four wonderful children and the thought of this day without her killed him inside. He had been here before though, missing his own mother on Mother's day after she left this earth to the big pearly gates in the sky. He heard someone walking down the stairs and went back to reading the paper.

"Hey Dad," Jamie spoke as he poured himself a cup of coffee. His voice was a little raspy which Frank attributed to Jamie crying, he had heard him last night and he could only guess today was going to be worse. Jamie had just finished finals and made it home just in time for today.

"How are you doing?" Jamie looked at his dad, he was unsure about how to answer that. He knew that his Dad missed his mother like crazy and it was hard to watch him live here without her.

"I'm alright," he lied, truth be told he wanted to curl up into his bed again and sleep more so he wished that his mom was here but that was not possible.

"I know today is going to be tough on us all but we just need to be here for each other." Jamie nodded, he stirred his coffee and let his glance linger at the coffee, there wasn't going to be a day that he wasn't going to miss her, she was the one who pushed him to be all he could be, who raised him to be a caring and understanding man.

"Hey Dad," Jamie finally looked up to his father who looked at him waiting for the rest of the sentence. "I know this is hard on you too, you don't have to be strong or our sake, we'd understand."

"I know son, but I feel like it is the one thing that will get me through the day is to try to push on through." Jamie nodded and took a sip of his coffee.

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"Come one Joe," Angie pulled him by the hand up the church steps, they were a little behind today and she knew if they did not hurry they wouldn't be able to reserve a pew for the family. She pulled at the heavy wood doors and entered the church, what she thought was going to be packed was only a few people. She slid down the row laying her purse and jacket in the vacant spaces.

"This is going to be a long day." Joe had not really said a word in the car and she knew why, he was upset but then again who wouldn't be. She had called her mother that morning while he was still asleep and told her that she loved her and as she listened to Joe snore loudly in the next room, her heart hurt with the thought about ever losing her mother. She was a strong, beautiful and intelligent woman who had been there with her every step of the way. When Mary died, her mother had come to the funeral to be there for the Reagan family. Now as she sat in the pew she could only squeeze Joe's hand and give him a reassuring smile to let him know it was okay but even that faltered.

"Joe, I'm right here and your family is here too, I know you miss her but she is with you always."

"I know I just wish she was with us for a little longer. I mean she is missing so much, she is missing the birth of her third grandchild and she is going to miss Jamie graduating and when you and I get married she won't be there."

"I know baby," She leaned into him and kissed his cheek wrapping her arms around him and resting her head on his shoulder. "You are going to make it through this, I promise, it may hurt but she is right beside you all around the family, she knows you hurt but I guarantee she wants you to have a good day and remember the good times." Joe looked at her with some tears in his eyes and smiled.

"I love you," He said pulling her in close.

"I love you too."

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The only sound in the dining room where forks scraping the plates and the occasional clang of a glass; besides that they family sat in silence. Henry looked around the table at all the long faces and he wanted nothing more than to take the pain away but there was nothing he could do about it, they were going to be sad. He smiled at Nicki who looked too afraid to make even the smallest noise. Erin's eyes were red and puffy and she had spent most of the day excusing herself to the bathroom. Jamie had not said a word at all after the mass; he had just sat at the kitchen table cutting up vegetables. Danny and Joe had stayed close to each other helping with dinner as well but talking about the job rather that what was all on their minds.

"You know it's okay to talk," Frank spoke up, all eyes looked at him and the looks on their expressions all matched, they looked lost.

"Jamie, how is Sydney?" Linda asked breaking the ice.

"Fine, she went back to Syracuse to see her… parents." He had stopped himself from saying the word that seemed taboo today. He quickly looked down at his plate again.

"Danny how is your case going?" Jack asked, he knew he was not the favorite in law but he figured that he, Linda and Angie had to work together.

"We caught him, all charges stick." Each answer, they all knew were going to be short.

"Hey Nicki, I heard you went to the fire department on a field trip on Tuesday." Nicki looked at Angie with wide eyes then at her father who smiled and nodded.

"Yeah we got to wear the hats and ring the bell and pull the horn, it was really fun."

"Tell them about the fireman's pole sweetie."

"Oh yeah they had this pull we got to slid down but one of the kids fell so we couldn't go down a second time."

"That sounds like a lot of fun," Linda smiled as she looked to see if anyone else was invested in the conversation, Danny and Jamie where slightly but their minds were teetering the edge. More silence filled the room, it was deafening until finally Erin could not take it anymore, she just got up and walked out without a word.

"I'll get her," Frank stood but Jamie stopped him.

"No, I'll go."

"Me too," Joe and Danny spoke in Unison.

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Erin heard the screen door slam and she quickly wiped away her tears, trying to better her appearance, not that she was fooling anyone. "I'm sorry, I had to get out of there, I was just getting to hard." She slid over on the bench to make room for Jamie and Joe and Danny sat on the edge of the stonewall.

"It's been a hard day," Joe said.

"Hell, it's been a hard year." Danny added.

"I knew today was going to be hard but I didn't think it'd be this hard," Jamie spoke but kept his gaze trained on his twiddling thumbs.

"I just miss her so much," Erin, said bringing a tissue to her nose.

"Maybe we should stop acting like she is a taboo subject," Jamie suggested.

"Yeah Angie was right when she told me she wouldn't want us to be moping around."

"Damn right she would probably yell at us."

"I can hear her now, "Stop acting like the world has ended" that was her saying." Erin laughed.

"She put up with us, it's a miracle she didn't kill us," Jamie smiled.

"Remember how we used to pull April fools jokes on her Joe, oh like the time we put that fake rat in her closet," Danny laughed.

"Yes, she screamed so loud Mrs. Nemmons called Dad and he sent a police cruiser over." Joe said through bouts of laughter.

"Oh man I thought we were done for but mom just laughed about it."

"I knew mom was always going to be there for us, and she was especially when we were sick or hurt."

"Like the time I had the stomach flu for a week," Jamie remembered.

"Or every time I fell off my bike, god I must have had hundreds of cuts but even the little ones got bandaids."

"Oh what about the time I had to get stitches."

"Oh when you got hit by that random stick," Danny asked.

"Um no, when you hit me with that stick," Joe argued.

"That was never proven," Danny said throwing his hands up defensively.

"Yeah yeah yeah, regardless she had to take me to the hospital, I think that was out first major hospital visit."

"Yeah and then it was Jamie who broke his leg, that was bad." Erin shuttered.

"Also Danny's fault I do believe," Jamie said.

"Hey I was watching you but you were a sneaky kid."

"Mom was not happy," Erin could see the look of anger on her mother's face.

"Remember the time she told off," Erin asked.

"I remember that day, we were playing outside but so were the Fredrick's and they broke a window but blamed it on us," Danny recalled the incident.

" yelled at us but mom was gardening and came running over, god she laid it on heavy," Joe said smiled.

"I know, I think that was the first time I had ever heard any of those word let alone any come from mom's mouth," Jamie said a little wide eyed, the amusement on his face, they all burst out in laughter until they were in tears and their sides hurt but they laughter died down.

"I miss her laugh," Erin said finally.

"I miss her smile," Danny added.

"I miss her singing to me when I was sick," Joe said.

"I miss her hugs," Jamie could almost feel them.

"Yeah her hugs, when she hugged you it was like nothing could touch you, like she was this shield of protection." Erin smiled as she thought about her mother.

"How about after dinner we go visit her, bring her some flowers," Danny suggested.

"That'd be really nice," Joe said.

"Let's go back in, they are probably starting dessert without us and I'll be damned if I miss some of Dad's famous chocolate cake." They all stood up and walked back in greeted by the supportive family that was filled with love. And though the pain was still lingering they knew that Mary was there in spirit and that everything was okay, because they had spent those years with her making them happy memories, the things that would always keep their mother close.


End file.
